Today I am taking you inside my journal. I've been tripping down memory lane for a little while looking for clues, confirmation, and growth. I’m going to take you to 2005. I had graduated college and I was working in my first “real” job.
I like to tell people that this was my drug dealing phase, because I was a pharmaceutical rep. To set the stage: It was a “perfect” first job. I was given a car, a phone, all the benefits, a 401k, and had flexibility and freedom. But what made it imperfect was that I was doing something that I didn't love. It was very status quo- on the outside, it looked like exactly the job that I should want to have. It fit the definition of societal success. And yet, I had this really hollow feeling even during the interview process, even when they were flying me all over for these extra interviews. I’m not going to lie - I did feel really cool, but I didn't feel fulfilled. I didn't feel that inner click. As I'm reading through all of these journal entries, it is clear that something didn’t quite feel right. Even though on paper, I thought this was a perfect job. So fast forward, five or six months, I found myself in a very predictable spot.
I ended up having really depressed feelings and intense anxiety. I couldn't get myself out of bed. I then started meeting with a therapist again. I went to therapy because I wanted her to convince me that I was having the wrong feelings, and I wanted her to tell me that I just needed to grow up, accept that this is the way the world is, and to stop complaining. The critic inside of my head was telling me that I was blessed and that I shouldn’t be complaining about this great job I found myself in. But instead, my therapist gave me an exercise of writing out my dream job.
Here's what I wrote down: “my perfect job is one where I'm the same amazing person at work that I am at home. It makes me feel useful, hopeful, content, and yet challenged. It's one of integrity and quality. It allows me to fulfill my financial goals and my personal goals. I feel good about what I do more often than not. (I fear even writing this because I don't know if or when it will happen. I will be proud and excited to tell people what I do and I will flourish).”
Reading those words now is so fascinating to me. Why? Because I can honestly tell you that I have that perfect job now.
Thankfully, young Heidi still listened to her inner knowing even though it was being contradicted by her ego. I want to thank this girl, this version of me who said, “I just can't do it”. A month or so after I wrote that, I asked myself a question. I wrote, “I haven't made any decision to leave that job yet. Is it worth it to not really enjoy what you're doing for a certain period of time to get to the next phase to be a temporary sell out? Right now nothing is reflected back to me and I feel emotionally dehydrated.” I love this version of me. She's so raw and so eloquent. But what I love most is that she didn't quit, she listened to that inner knowing. So now I turn the question to you- were you ever in that phase, where you thought “I'm just going to be a temporary sellout until I get to this next phase”? But now you realize that your temporary sellout stage has now been going on for 10, 15, or 20 years and you're like what the heck is happening to my life? If that resonates, I want to work with you. I want to help you hear your inner knowing.
Lead From Within coaching and consulting is not just a business for me; it’s not just my method of making money. This is my life. I have distilled down methods to help those who feel stuck in that temporary sell out mode. I help those who are stuck in that feeling of status quo, and they don’t know what else to do.
During this time, young Heidi also wrote, “The Heidi that I want to be is inside my body, mind and spirit and it's my job to let her rise to the surface.” That's what Lead From Within is. It helps you uncover the version of you that you want to be. Not the version that you’re expected to be, not the version you THINK you need to be in order to be loved, accepted, and revered. But the version you WANT to be is inside your body, your mind and your spirit. And it is your job to let her rise to the surface. I can help you do that.
My entire life has been about questioning. Why do we do it like this? There has to be a better way to do it. I don't know how many times I've written that there has to be a better way to do this. If you want to figure out the BEST way to do your life, I've got room for you. I have a group program that starts in October and I want you in it. If you are in this phase of questioning, “Am I a temporary sellout?” but that phase has lasted 20 years- I want to talk to you. I can't wait to give you a behind the scenes on how all of this works. Because you can have more confidence, clarity and direction and you can have it now.